Thursday April 7 2022
12:18AM
I've lived a long life. I've gone through the trials and tribulations of trials and tribulations itself. I've seen the day turn night and the night turn day so often, that I sometimes worry it no longer will. I've lost count of the number of people I've lost, not to death, but to life itself. Every year on my birthday, for an inmeasureable amount of years, I come to this bench and this bench only, sitting from sunrise to sunset. I bring a little bag with me packed with snacks, headphones, sunglasses, and a bag full of books. I chose this spot originally because of how secluded it was; it was only you and the sky. But this year something odd happened, I was no longer alone.
Approaching the bench, I noticed right away from a distance that a young man was sitting in my very spot. The young man watched me approach - as if I was the imposter - drop my bags down beside me, and let my body sink into the shape of the seat. Rustling around, unable to get comfortable, the young man all of the sudden broke the silence and asked me, "I haven't seen you here before, are you new in the area?" Underneath my breath I laughed. "What makes you think that you in fact aren't new?" I replied. "Well one must ask what new even means I guess. I've been here everyday for the past 6 months, watching the sky change colour and realize that despite the changing of the day, the sky is never the same. Is that what 'new' means, when the same thing happens over and over but in new shapes?" Something within this young man made my heart palpitate, as if all these years coming to this bench had been for this moment, but I did not know why yet.
Taking my glasses off I asked with a childlike interest, "Why have you been coming here everyday?" "Well because of this view of course. It reminds me of how much we desire for things to stay the same, but no matter how hard you cling to the day, the night shall always come. How can we even assume that I'd be here tomorrow, you couldn't. For even within our own decisions lie doubt, even in the crevices of our hearts where our lovers remain, one day you wake up and realize that even in love we change." An unconscious eruption was bubbling within me, as if I could all the sudden hear the birds sing in the trees again, I could feel the wind on my skin. My body was tense, turning from the young man to look at the sky again I felt the hair on my arms stand up. I didn't reply, we sat in silence for a long time. I questioned myself why I came here every year, where have I been, why did the last few years lose meaning? I thought of my old friends, who were now married and in stable careers, close to being retired with kids in high school, living decent lives, but for me unfruitful. I've been so lost in chasing beauty, that I lost myself in the act. I finally turned my whole body to the young man next to me, still gazing at the sky, and asked, "Who are you really?"
He smiled and said, "I thought you'd figure that out already, well I'm you of course." His smile seemed to contain the sun itself. "But .." flabbergasted, I could not reply. He put his hand on my knee and said, "I've always been you. I thought you'd forgotten about me and I came here looking for you to remind you. This fire that you feel inside you," as he pointed to himself, "will never cease. The strongest wind in the Universe can't extinguish it, only you can." Tears had already fallen. Not a single book was opened that day. I ate not a single snack. Instead, we sat and watched the sun set on my heart, and once again couldn't wait for it to rise again tomorrow morning.
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