thursday jan 18 2024
8:16pm
It is absolutely imperative for us to fail. This stretch of conscious efforts recently, ending in failure at every turn, at first felt utterly frustrating. Until I gave in to it - not in the sense you'd imagine, but gave in as in allowed it to happen as it needed to. I continued to act and create knowing the end result will most likely end in mediocre expression. I went out of my way to do things I hadn't done before, or hadn't done in a long time. Grabbing this used bristol board with dried up paint from previous canvases, sharpies, cut up random fabric, all the unfinished and self deemed unworthy peoms written on my typewriter, and decided to do anything but make this look beautiful. The next day I rummaged through my garage to find my violin case deep in dust and cobwebs, in hopes that I can play something ugly. Without the need of success, or expectation, embracing the inadequate actions of mine that I try so hard to run from, I felt light. All of the sudden, I found myself consciously seeking the new, and it became obvious why failure is necessary: because it forces you to want something new. It forces us to welcome the uncomfortable; comfort in our craft and self expression can only take us so far. I think that's why I was so welcoming of my newfound failures, because deep down I knew that at the end lies more knowledge and growth. It's actually comical, being good at something is all we ever chase sometimes, but we neglect too often the things we suck at, for lack of better words. I learned one major thing during this time: I'd much rather acceept my inadequacies and struggles, than to be good at something at a mediocre level. I'd much rather fail than to stand on misshapen success, because there is far more power in failing and still choosing to create than being broken by the first sign of failure and giving up after a string of succesess..
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