Depression

Wednesday February 9 2022

10:35AM

Depressed. Deep rest. How am I really supposed to have this "deep rest"? It constantly feels like it's never enough no matter how hard I try, I still find myself on the brink. Like the wind, at any moment now, will tear down everything I've built. And I'd sit in the rubble not the least bit surprised. Because truthfully, despite how often I tell myself to stay positive and hopeful, I have this feeling deep down that I'm sitting in ruins. None of these castles mean anything anymore. Even happiness has lost its meaning, I don't really strive to be happy anymore. Because what is that really if not just another temporary fortress we build in hopes it won't fall. I picture things have already fallen, that makes me feel better. So I don't have to spend any more energy trying to keep up this weak idea of existence. This isn't even me wallowing in my sadness, because that too is a castle on the verge of destruciton. The only permanent structure is existence itself. Or perhaps purpose. Because that seems to be the only thing worth carrying. Every other weight, the pressures of shelter, food, family, "work", all feel irrelevant. All a waste of time. I know that's not wholly right, but once more, what is right and wrong but paper towers. This rubble feels comfortable. This destruction feels soothing. I hope one day I can be free of all these measly towers I no longer feel like holding.